set mood music.
So tonight i'm apparently very pensive. So i figure the best way is to get all these thoughts out of my head and onto this blog, and maybe i'll stop talking to myself and I can get some sleep tonight.
I've been staying up later and later, and this is the third consecutive day of me sleeping this late (it's 3am, i slept at 4am yesterday). I'm pretty sure i'm constantly analyzing myself, and i'm not really a fan that with every guy i'm friends with, i have to "like" them for at least a small increment of time before it becomes completely platonic. Can't i just find someone who i can just be friends with that isn't a girl. I guess it's fine, cause once i get over it its ok. I'm pretty sure it's partially the reason why I worked so hard tonight, cause i was in a slightly subdued mood, bringing down my mood just enough to get me to focus. Thanks j! It's nice having someone to talk to, and it has resulted in many late nights on my part, but I don't mind. it was fun :) i think i'm reaching platonic. yay! the ultimate goal.
So today i started talking to Ian again. It was nice to get everything about rachel completely off my chest. Well i guess i'd done that enough, but for some reason he felt like a more direct source, and like, It was such a long time ago, it was weird having it all come back. it was junior year, wow I can't believe how long ago that feels. I remember there being good times, but everytime i think of something fun from then, all these memories of what made me suppress all those times in my mind and even chose to cut people out of my life come flooding back. I can't have one without the other, and that's kind of sad. I want to remember the good things. Life is too short to dwell.
Recently, things with T have been completely platonic for me! that was also one of those strange things. How quickly things change. Thank you vacation :) It's nice to have him as a friend, but i'm glad i've reached this level. I don't even have this crazy need to text him anymore. i'm perfectly content.
Friends! I love them. i love my music friends. I realized over vacation how much i actually love my friends. I used to believe that love only pertained to family, and that one special other. It then hit me, that I'd drive like anywhere for my friends, and how much i just really truly enjoy being with them. If that's not love, then what is? I want to be with people who make me laugh so hard that I can't breathe. Or i just look back and think "i want to go back and relive that." That is what happens every time i go to a music festival. In fact! i went to the NEMFA concert this year, and those few hours i spent with Joel, Dave, Max, Milod, JENA!!, and Colin were amazing. I would not have replaced it for the world. I even drovee to storrs to hang out with Dave, Max, and Milod. That day was amazing. I loved being able to just hang out with them, no rehearsals to worry about. I can't wait till I get to see them again at Dave's cys concert! may 23rd. I'm counting down the days. I'm stuck in highschool, and I don't mind. If those friends didn't make me so happy, I wouldn't want to go back so much.
Dissapointments. I'm not going to bamboozle. I wanted to go so bad, but for some reason it's not happening. I can't go by myself, everyone wants to go on the sunday when I have an exam that saturday. and plus. saturday has paramore. definetly one of my favorite bands right now. I'm also still unsure that I can go to the first This Providence Headlining tour. I seriously can't depend on anyone but myself, or lindsey. There has never been someone who was as dependable as she. she's one of the best friends I have, and I know i can count on her for anything/if i really want to do something or she does, that it will happen. I pride myself in the fact that I keep in touch with people, and that I am now willing to drive to see people. I really care about the relationships i have with people. Awesome tidbit: when i was visiting max dave and milod, I got to see Joe! joe from science bowl who I hadn't seen since 8th grade... yup 5 years! It wasn't awkward, but actually really awesome. I hope to hang out with him again soon. He's such a nice guy, I'm glad i kept in touch.
The sleep is starting to crash over me. <3
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